


Other People's Answers

by NervousAsexual



Series: Sometimes a Family [4]
Category: Fallout 4
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Drug Use, Hurt/Comfort, Queerplatonic Relationships, Spoilers for Dangerous Minds
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-16
Updated: 2018-07-16
Packaged: 2019-06-09 11:27:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,019
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15266496
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NervousAsexual/pseuds/NervousAsexual
Summary: Post-Dangerous Minds, Nick and Euthalia have a conversation and decide to call up Kellogg for one last conversation. Euthalia has questions. Kellogg may not have the answers she wants.





	1. Chapter 1

It had been hard enough to walk into Goodneighbor, and carrying the cybernetic implants of the man who killed Nate and stole Shaun away did not make it better. She had to know what he knew--but without Nick waiting for her in the lobby of the Memory Den she might not have gone through with it.

She was dimly aware of Nick up on the old stage, making conversation with the woman on the divan. The woman looked out of place. Unlike everything else in Goodneighbor--everything else in the wasteland--she was pale and flawless, like she'd never seen a super mutant or a Radaway in her life. She was saying something. To Euthalia? To Nick? She didn't know. She rolled the implants around in her hands. The augmenter was round and pink and a little bloody, like a baby lost before it lived. The limb actuators looked suitably mechanical. And the pain inhibitors... she pressed the three prong-y bits down into her finger. Ironically, it hurt.

"Ow," she said. Nick and the woman reclining both gave her a look. The woman's expression was hard to read. Nick's was the practiced blankness of a detective on the clock.

"Amari's down in the lab," the woman said. The one part of her appearance that matched her surroundings was the ragged, low-cut dress. The fur on the sleeves and unbuttoned collar was matted. Probably full of radioactive fleas.

"Thanks, Irma." Nick tilted his head a little and strode off without her.

For a moment Euthalia didn't quite have the energy to move. She kept looking at Irma. Now she could see, with her eyes adjusted to the light, that under a layer of make-up, maybe pre-war stuff, a light but jagged scar ran along her throat.

"I don't need to know what you and Nick are up to," Irma said. Her hazel eyes met Euthalia's. "Just don't let the big metal softy hurt himself, all right?"

"No," Euthalia said. She tried to remember that Nick was going to help her find Shaun. They  _would_ find him. They would all be together, a family again... all except Nate.

Irma gave her a thin smile. "I suppose that will have to do."

She traced Nick's steps down to the area behind the stage. It was starkly lit. Nick wasn't waiting for her. She spotted a few inhalers of jet left lying carelessly on the pre-war dressing tables. Tempting, to pick them up and feel just a little more real.

Instead she rounded another corner and ventured deeper into the Memory Den. The hall was dark, all except a single sharp light spilling from out of a doorway.

As far as a lab, a post-war lab, was concerned, it looked alright. Two memory recliners sat facing her. Various computers and bits and bobs lined the walls. Nick was waiting quietly on a nearby couch.

"Dr. Amari?" he asked, but said nothing else.

The woman who turned to her had dancer's legs and a clean white lab coat. She said something. By the time Euthalia realized there was a question being directed at her and she ought to pay attention, the doctor was finished speaking.

After a long silence Nick spoke up.

"We need a memory dig, Amari," he said. "Not gonna be easy. Guy we need excavated is dead and gone."

Thank god he was here, Euthalia thought. She needed help. This was too much to do alone.

Amari gave them both a good, long stare. "You do realize that the memory simulators require living brains, yes?"

Nick looked at her. She didn't know what to say. She held out the implants. Hopefully Amari would know what she needed.

Amari looked both disquieted and amazed.

"Is that the entire hippocampus?" she asked, taking the augmentor from the gory mess. "And what's this? Some kind of neural network?"

"Looks awfully familiar," Nick said.

"Definitely Institute," Amari agreed.

"So will it work?" She didn't know what a hippocampus was. Didn't know what a neural network was. She just knew she wanted this to be over.

"Mr. Valentine is an older generation synth," Amari said carefully. "But the implant could fit him."

Was that good? She couldn't keep up.

"But... it is an incredible risk. We're talking about wiring something to his brain."

Not good.

"Don't worry about me," Nick said without pause. "Let's do it."

She thought of what Irma had said. "What if it doesn't work?"

"Then it doesn't work." Nick's yellow eyes met hers. "But we've got a missing kid on the line. That's worth the risk."

She felt like crying.

Amari gestured to a chair and Nick took a seat. His expression was strictly back to business.

"I'll need you to keep talking, Mr. Valentine." Amari opened a panel on the back of his head and Euthalia couldn't watch. "We need to monitor any cognitive changes as they happen." She was doing something to him and he was just sitting still. "How are you feeling?"

Nick's eyes were focused on the chipped tile floor. "There's a lot of... flashes. Static." There was something in his voice. It sounded like fear. "I can't make any sense of it, doc."

Amari nodded. "I was afraid of that. There's a lock. An encryption. Let me think." She stared at Euthalia. "What if... we were to run both your minds in tandem? Nick hosts the memories in one memory lounger. The encryption will keep him from accessing any of them, but you would be a second user. It probably won't be designed to keep you from remotely accessing the memories. The two of you will share a mind so you can take a look around."

In spite of herself Euthalia smiled. "We're gonna share a mind? I'm not gonna see him in any... compromising positions, am I?"

Nick gave her a smirk. "If all it took to solve problems was a smart mouth, we would have found your son by now."

Amari visually made the decision not to respond to that. She gestured to one of the memory loungers.

She looked to Nick. If he'd given her any kind of sign at that moment, if he'd looked scared, if he'd broken eye contact, if he'd given the slightest hint of doubt, she would have called it off. But he didn't. So neither did she.

Nick inclined his head at her. "Well..." He rose from the chair and crossed to a memory lounger, gave both it and her thoughtful looks. "I'll see you on the other side."

He got into the memory lounger and for a moment she second-guessed herself. But it was too late. With a gentle hiss the memory pod closed around him. He settled low in the seat--he was almost too tall--and she watched the bony steel of his right hand grip the stained leather arm rest. His chest rose and fell like he was breathing, although of course he wasn't. It must have been the unnatural angle he was laying at. He was looking at her out of the corner of his eye. When he saw her looking his eyes flicked back up to stare at the top of the pod.

"Yeah," she said. "The other side."

And before she was ready the pod closed over her as well


	2. Chapter 2

It was hard to tell how much of what Kellogg said was the truth, and how much was lies, and how much was what remained of his addled brain descending into chaos. Euthalia did not have anything remotely resembling the energy to try and sort it out.

Was she supposed to feel sorry for him? Was that what she was supposed to do with this? Was a tiny blob of brain cells manipulating her? It had to be. The memories were too precise to be anything other than calculated parallels to her own life.

And then there was Shaun.

God. Then there was Shaun.

He looked just like her. Had his father's lankiness, but he was her spitting image in every other way.

He had to have known. Kellogg had to have known what he was doing.

She came back to the memory lounger with tears in her eyes, trying not to cry as Dr. Amari helped her up.

The doctor was saying something but she couldn't focus. Where was Nick? He would understand, would answer for her... but when she looked the other lounger was empty. "Where's Nick?"

"I unplugged him first. Removed the implant while you were waking up. He's waiting for you upstairs."

Why didn't he wait here? Why had he left her?

She knew she was being clingy. What difference did it make where he waited?

"Are you ready to talk about what happened in there?"

She didn't have the energy to form a reply. She stumbled upstairs without a word.

Irma was still there, on her divan, the only remotely tidy place on the whole cluttered stage. Way off in the corner she saw Nick, sitting silently on a little red loveseat. She felt almost nauseous with relief. He was still here. She wasn't alone. She was too wobbly to run, but she did it anyway.

"Nick," she said, reaching out to touch his shoulder.

He looked directly into her eyes and in a voice that wasn't his own he said, "Hope you got what you were looking for. Should've killed you when you were on ice."

Her entire body went on high alert. "Nick? Are you still in there?"

"What?" This time the voice he spoke in was irritated, but it was his own. "What are you talking about?"

"Are you, um... you feeling alright, Nick?"

He looked tired, but he looked like himself. "Yeah, I'm fine. Why?"

"You sounded different. Like... you sounded like Kellogg just then."

"Did I? Amari said there might be some mnemonic impressions left over. Scared you?"

She couldn't say yes, couldn't say no... but he knew.

"I can partition off those memories, if it'll make you feel better."

"No. Absolutely not. He has answers and I want them."

He gave her a look that was mostly surprised and she felt bad for a reason she couldn't explain, but she had to know why he had brought all this together. She had to know what it was that he was trying to do.

Please don't make me explain, she thought, but he only nodded.

"Alright," he said. "If that's what you want to do, let's go somewhere a little more private."


	3. Chapter 3

They holed up in the Hotel Rexford. It was easier not to go too far.

Euthalia could only hope whatever was left of Kellogg didn't have too much control over Nick. If she had to hurt him it would only make this worse.

"Okay." Nick shrugged off his coat, and it was still as unsettling as the first time she saw him without it. "What's gonna spook you the least? Want me to sit down?"

She kept staring at his tie, just hanging there in contrast to the white shirt. "Um... I guess?"

He obediently took a seat on the bed. "Know what you're gonna ask?"

She nodded--basically a lie. She knew what she wanted to know, but she couldn't even imagine how to ask it.

"Well, alright then."

Why was he sitting on that disgusting bare mattress when there was a marginally less grimy couch, she didn't know. There was a small chair, a little taller than the couch, and she pulled that up alongside the bed. When she sat in it she was a little taller than he was on the bed.

"Ready?"

For whatever reason it was hard to get words out. She nodded.

The light in his eyes vanished and she panicked for a moment. Had something gone wrong already? But he'd only closed his eyes. It was alright. He was still here.

So she waited.

And waited.

And waited.

At last Nick opened his eyes again.

"Well," he said. "Somethin's definitely not working."

"Maybe it's because we don't have access to the memory loungers?" If that was true it was a relief, because they had no chance of convincing Amari to let them try the memory loungers again. That would settle the matter right there. But she wanted more answers. She didn't want Nick to get hurt, but just as much she needed to know about Shaun.

Nick pushed his hat back a bit. "I don't think that's it. I wasn't wired to anything when... uh... when our visitor spoke up."

Then what? "What else has changed?"

Nick gave her a sheepish grin. "Well... after you were in, Amari did give me something in a syringe. My guess is Med-X."

"She  _drugged_ you?"

"No! Nothing like that. She thought it might help me mimic an actual flesh-and-blood brain, trick the augmenter into thinking into thinking I was Kellogg instead of some jailbreaking synth. I gotta imagine it's all out of my system, though. I'm a little more efficient at filtering out chems."

She'd missed the perfect chance to see Nick high. Maybe it would have been cute. Darn.

"So," Nick pressed, "if you really want to go through with this, and you've got some Med-X to spare..."

"Oh. Right. Yeah." She peeled up a bit of paint on the arm of the chair. "You want me to get it now?"

Nick shrugged. "That's up to you."

She opened up her stash, trying to keep it positioned at an angle where Nick didn't have a good look at it. Nothing subtle about it... but she knew he'd have something to say if he saw the thirty-some tins of mentats and jet inhalers rattling around in the stash. She hadn't realized she was carrying around twice as many mentats as Med-X syringes. Maybe she did have a problem. In a rush she took out a syringe. "Where do I...?"

Nick shook his head. "Doesn't matter. Just stick it anywhere you'd put a stimpack."

She hadn't even thought of that. Sometimes it seemed like she'd stuck him just about everywhere with stimpacks. She'd almost gotten numb to it. But this... he was laying on that grimy mattress and holding out an arm, and she was holding his sleeve, and he was smiling at her, and she was sticking the needle into his arm.

"Is that good?"

"That's just fine."

Her thumb hovered just above the plunger. Nick said nothing. "You're sure you want to do this?"

Without any hesitation he said, "It's what you want, isn't it?"

She didn't trust herself to speak without crying, so she just nodded. Nodded...and injected him with the Med-X.

He closed his eyes and settled down on the mattress. His chest moved in that pseudo-breathing thing he did.

Maybe this was a bad idea. No going back now, though.

"Hm." Nick didn't open his eyes.

"What? What's going on?"

"Keepin' an eye on the Med-X levels. They seem awfully low compared to Amari's dose."

She held tight to the empty syringe.

"Not that uncommon. The post-war syringe vary significantly in quality based on wherever it is they spent the last 200 years. She musta had a good one. It'll probably take a couple to equal it."

"You want me to give you another?"

"Sure. I'll keep an eye on the levels, let you know when we got close."

She put another needle to his arm, at his signal, and another. "Is that enough?"

His eyes opened a little.

"Nick?"

"Still didn't find what you were looking for?"

"It still hasn't worked. He hasn't..."

"Shoulda killed you when I had the chance."

Her blood ran cold. The voice was not Nick's. "Kellogg."

"Aren't you a clever girl."

She felt the same creeping dread she'd felt so long ago when she opened her eyes and saw that the people taking Nate out of cryostasis were not wearing vault suits. But Nick was still breathing.

And this time, she reminded herself, she was the one holding the gun.

"I have questions," she said, sounding braver than she felt. "I want answers."

"Evidently. Give the synth some more of that painkiller shit and we'll talk."

"Answers first. Then I'll think about it."

He laughed, an ugly, sneering, monotone chuckle that fell from Nick's mouth. "Give him the Med-X or he wakes up again, and maybe next time I won't feel so generous about telling you anything."

Once again she saw Shaun in that house in Diamond City. She had to know.

She injected the next syringe.

Kellogg just laughed. "Can't believe you gotta dig me up for answers. Thought that was supposed to be your thing, so determined."

She looked at Nick breathing. "I want to know why."

"Why? That you'll have to ask the old man about. It's his grand scheme."

"Not his reasons. Yours."

"You saw how it is, kid. Just business."

She flinched to hear Nick's usual term of endearment in Kellogg's voice. "What was the point of those memories? Your parents, the kid? If they even are memories and you didn't just make them up."

Kellogg laughed, but it was not a laugh with any happiness in it. "You think that was for you? Is it so hard to believe you're not the only person to have lost their family?"

Immediately her mind went to Piper losing her father, Preston watching every single Minuteman die without being able to stop it, Nick telling her about Jenny, a woman he'd never met but missed tremendously.

"Maybe you're the hero in your own story, but you're just the twist ending in mine."

No. Shut up. She didn't need to believe his philosophical mumbo-jumbo. If she was going to get answers, she would need to get a grip.

She took another Med-X syringe and stabbed it deep into her leg. "If it was true, then why did you do the same thing to me? You knew how it felt." It was still too soon for the Med-X to have kicked in but she imagined she could feel it rushing in her veins.

"Empathy don't keep the rads away, kid."

Alright. She couldn't ask him anything about his motives. Didn't need to hear his interpretation of things. Fine. She'd just have to stick to more straight-forward questions.

"Another Med-X if you want another question."

It occurred to her that maybe he was trying to kill her in an extremely round-about way--take all her Med-X and leave her high and dry the next time a swarm of stingwings caught her by surprise.

But she thought about Shaun and the way the Institute just zapped him away. She couldn't risk not knowing.

"Where'd you get that one?" Kellogg snapped as she injected him again. "Still sicking out of the arm of the last person to use it?"

"Shut up." That made him laugh. "The Institute. How did you find them? How do I get in?"

"Oh, come on, princess. I'm not gonna make it that easy for you."

That endearment just made her skin crawl. "When I get in, then. What does the facility look like?"

Kellogg scoffed. "If I'd know these were the questions you were gonna ask I wouldn't have bothered."

She would kill him. She would kill him all over again. "Then what is it you want me to ask?"

Kellogg--Nick--Kellogg smirked. "Ask about the boy."

There was the Med-X. That first flush of relaxation, except that she couldn't move and she couldn't speak.

"I know that's what you wanna ask. So g'wan."

His voice was almost Nick's on that last word. She felt sick. The Med-X. Had to be.

"Okay." She didn't recognize her own voice when she spoke, looked around as if there was somebody else hiding in that cramped, dark hotel room. "Tell me about Shaun."

"Nice enough kid. Polite."

He was a good kid. Her Shaun had to be a sweet kid. She knew he would be. Just like Nate. "He takes after his father?"

Kellogg laughed again. "I suppose so. Not like I knew the guy."

"Is he... Are... Is he happy where he is?"

"Only place he's ever known. Must be."

What if he didn't want to leave? He'd never met her. He wouldn't remember her. Why would he want to leave with her? She felt so cold--the Med-X again--but she was his mother. She had to save him. He was just a kid. He didn't know what was best for him.

"And you?" he asked.

Did she? Did she know what was best for him? Out here in the wasteland, barely getting by and only alive by the grace of the people she'd met? "What?"

"Are you happy?"

"Just go fuck yourself, Kellogg."

He laughed and laughed. "Let's have another Med-X, love."

She stabbed the needle into him.

"Let's tell the truth now. You ain't happy. You ain't never gonna be happy, whether you got your boy back or not. I promise you that."

What was he doing? Why did he care? What difference did it make?

"Keep looking. I know you will. But you won't even make a scratch on what the Institute's doing. You already lost."

No. Fuck him. She didn't have to play his games anymore.

She swallowed down what fear was left. "You think so? I'm still here and you're long gone. I'd say I've already won something."

"Maybe so. Maybe so." Kellogg's voice was thoughtful. "But on the other hand, I already took your husband and now I'm taking your synth, too."

"What?"

Nick's eyes were closed again. Kellogg didn't answer.

"You're wrong about that," she shouted, in case he could still hear her. "You're just the memories of a dead man. There is nothing you can do to him."

Still no answer.

"Nick? I'm done talking to him. You can come back."

But Nick said nothing either. The whole room seemed eerily quiet, but she couldn't quite put her finger on why.

She looked down at him and he was awfully still. He didn't seem to be doing the pseudo-breathing thing anymore. And she realized why it seemed so quiet.

She couldn't hear the humming of his processors.

"Nick?"

She shook his arm. He didn't move. Didn't respond.

"Nick!"

She threw herself onto the bed beside him and pressed her ear to his chest. Nothing. No, wait. There was... there was a hum. A tiny hum. But still he didn't move or respond.

"Oh god." The Med-X wasn't helping now. Her entire body was tense and white hot and on alert. And Nick...

The Med-X. How much Med-X had she given him?

She looked down at her lap. A pile of syringes. She didn't need to count. Too many.

"Oh god."

He was overdosing. He was dying.

For a moment she couldn't move. She had to get help. But who was she gonna go to? What was she gonna do? She couldn't leave him alone. If he was going to die she was going to be right here with him, exactly as she should have been and wasn't for Nate.

"Nicky."

She held him tight and tried to think. Overdoses. What could she do? Nate would have known. But Nate wasn't here. Nate would never be here again. And soon, neither would Nick.

There was a chem dealer downstairs. In the lobby. Allen? He dealt Med-X. She knew he did. Maybe he would know. Maybe not. But she didn't know what else to do.

"I'm gonna be right back," she said to Nick, struggling back to her feet. "It's gonna be okay. You just hang in there and I'm gonna fix it."

 She ran. She threw the door open and it slammed against the wall, shoved Marowski out of the way, she could hear him yell after her but she was taking the stairs two at a time and she remembered Irma, remembered her looking up at her and asking her to make sure Nick didn't get hurt and she couldn't have fucked that up more if she tried.

She hit the ground floor and her ankle twisted sharply but she kept going and skidded out into the lobby and she couldn't find the chem dealer, there was Clair and the junk dealer and the mayor drinking at the bar but no...

"Hancock!" she screamed. Everyone was staring but Nick was dying and she was going to be alone and she'd never see Shaun she'd just die alone.

"Loud person says what?" Hancock said, turning toward her. 

She slammed into him and would have fallen but he grabbed hold of her and kept her upright. She tried to tell him. She tried to explain. The words kept falling over each other.

"Slow down." Hancock patted her on the head like she was Dogmeat. "What's up?"

"Nick. He's dying." Once the words were out and they were in the open and they were real she began to cry.

"Again," Hancock said, "what?"

She tried to tell him. Overdose. Med-X. Kellogg. Except she didn't think he would know who Kellogg was. Wasn't important. He was dying. Nick was dying.

"Yeah, Nicky's a synth. The Med-X ain't gonna hurt him."

"You don't understand." She looked up at the ceiling and realized she couldn't remember what floor, could get there, but couldn't explain. "Please."

He shrugged and let her drag him up there. What if he was gone, what if, what if...

The door was still standing open and Marowski was peeking in. She didn't care who he was in charge of. She shoved him out of the way and desperately gestured Hancock in. He came in and took the time to close the door behind him and she could just make out the faintest hum in Nick's chest and the tears were spilling over her face.

Hancock looked him over and shrugged. "I'm tellin' you, sunshine, he's just fine. But..." he added as she tried to interrupt, "if it would make you feel better..." He patted at his clothes for a moment and finally pulled out an addictol inhaler. "I always carry one of these suckers just in case. Not that I'm gonna need it, but some people just can't handle their Day Tripper, you know?"

But he wasn't breathing. In fact, Nick never breathed. "Will that even work on him?"

Hancock shrugged. "Dunno. Could be worth a try, though."

She stared down at Nick and the worry twisted around and around itself. Hancock was waiting for her answer.

"Yeah," she said, "yeah, I guess."

Hancock nodded decisively and put the inhaler to Nick's mouth and pinched his nose shut and gave the inhaler a squeeze. Nothing seemed to happen. Of course. Nick didn't breathe.

She kept watching. She didn't dare look away. She wanted to climb into that disgusting hotel bed and get as close as she could, like if she were touching him it would make all the difference in the world.

"You want a puff?" Hancock asked. She looked at him and he gave her that sweet but flirty smile. "You got cute eyes but those pupils wouldn't be so big if you weren't a little high yourself."

"No. I'm fine."

He raised an eyebrow, or what seemed like it would have been an eyebrow, then shrugged. "I'll leave you to it, then. Here." He handed her the inhaler. "In case you change your mind."

She could hear as he left the room, closing the door behind him, and when she knew he was gone she climbed in beside Nick and held on like she could save him.


	4. Chapter 4

The hum of the processor woke her up.

It was so dark in the room and she could barely get her eyes open until she remembered. She jerked herself upright and looked at his face. "Nick?"

The light of his eyes became visible for a moment, went out again as he blinked, then turned toward her.

"Hey," he said, sounding more drowsy and vulnerable than she'd ever heard him. "I's my favorite former icicle."

"Oh my god," she said. "You are still high."

He giggled.

She wanted to punch him, or herself, or something. Instead she hugged him as tight as she could. "I thought I was gonna lose you."

"Hmm?"

"I said, I thought you were going to die."

"'Death is a Dialogue between the Spirit and the Dust..."

"I swear to god, Nick..."

He smiled a little.

"I shouldn't have asked you to do this. I'm so sorry."

"Hey." He moved a little and got an arm around her shoulders. "Hey, 's okay."

"No, it's not. I'm always asking so much for you and then I never do anything in return. Nothing that matters."

He was quiet for a moment. "You came with me for Winter."

"That's just the one thing. It's nothing. Just one guy and a couple of tapes."

He didn't answer.

"And I'm asking you to run all over the Commonwealth for me, fight with the Brotherhood and the Railroad and now the Institute..."

"It was a big thing to me." There was something in his voice. Just a little hint of pain.

"What?"

"Winter. Was a big thing to me."

"No, that's not what I... of course it was, he killed... Jenny..."

"Took me two hundred years. Without you, maybe it would've taken two hundred more."

Her face was burning. She shut her eyes tight to keep the tears in.

"Always undersellin' yourself, kid."

She wondered how much he knew about what Kellogg had said. Nothing. He hadn't remembered the first time. He wouldn't remember now.

"You gonna be okay?"

"Yeah. Are you?"

"I think so." He was shaking a little, which was weird, but she could hear the processor humming along and he didn't seem concerned. "I've had worse. Next time we're in Sanctuary I'll have Sturges take a look. But I'll be fine."

She held on so tight her arms felt numb.

"You'll be fine. And we'll find the kid. You'll see."

If it had been anybody else she would have scoffed. But there was no one on earth she trusted more to be telling her the truth.


End file.
